Tuesday, May 28, 2013

This Guide to Tipping

People ask me all the time when they should leave a tip. My first response is, of course, is "Who are you?" and "Why won't you leave me alone?" and "Why are you dressed like a bumblebee?" Once we get past the awkwardness of why total strangers are accosting me, we get into the time-honored tipping dilemma. When should I tip, and how much?

I can understand why this is a frustrating topic. It seems that everyone is expecting a tip these days, not just waitstaff, bellhops, and hit-men. Tip jars are everywhere these days, and it's hard to keep track of whom to tip and how much. (It's even harder than trying to remember whether to use who or whom in a sentence.)

With so much confusion, it is my public service to give you my own personal guide to not only who should be tipped, but how much. 

Waiter/Waitress at a Restaurant

Why tip? Your server knows how to use the internet.

How Much?
15% - the service was standard but not spectacular
18% - you ask to split the check
20% - you were a party of eight or more and everyone got the right food
23% - you kept making awful jokes and expecting your server to laugh
25% - you made the waitstaff sing 'Happy Birthday'
30% - you interpreted the "no shirt, no shoes, no service" rule to mean no pants

Food Delivery Person

Why Tip? You live in a world in which a person brings you hot food.

How Much?
10% to 15% - They brought you your food and it's still warm and intact
20% - you are a regular customer
25% - it's a holiday or busy weekend
100% - it's the apocalypse outside, and you have a hankering for some pizza and are willing to risk the life of the delivery person to get it.

Hotel Staff

Why tip? Because you'll feel like such a big shot

How Much?
$1 or $2 - that's usually per bag (for one bag, at least $2)
$10 - they hail a cab
$20 - the room service is prompt and courteous
$50 - they show you how to access the minibar without paying
$100 - they are the reason it stays in Vegas


Why tip? They hold sharp implements up to your head and are all that stands between a stylish look and 'The Moe.' 

How Much?
$8 - they do a good job cutting your hair
$10 - you get the full scalp treatment, including a shampoo and massage
$15 - they act like your combover isn't noticeable at all
$20 - they tell you which of their clients colors their hair
$30 - they don't tell their clients the same about you

Newspaper Deliverer

Why tip? It's the difference between taking two steps in your bathrobe or walking twenty feet.

How Much?
$2 - if the paperboy wants two dollars, give it to him.
$5 - the paper never lands in a puddle
$10 - your dog routinely chases them
$20 - they have to dodge the skateboarders, break-dancers, and Grim Reapers that are always outside your house for some reason

More of my Musings

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