Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Quoth the Speaker

A few months ago I wrote this for a Toastmasters humorous speech contest. I didn't win, but I'm still proud of it. It's my own version of "The Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe. This speech was inspired in part by this classic product review of Tuscan milk, and I hope you enjoy it. 

Once upon a lazy Sunday as I sat there dreading Monday
Hoping for a for a cat nap of an hour or more
As I lay there, lightly dozing, awesome dreams my brain composing
When I felt a fervent nosing, nosing I tried to ignore
Five more minutes please I muttered, then proceeded to ignore
A prodding that became much more.

Ah, distinctly I’m reminded of the task I said I minded
Not the least to finish up before I’d snore
My wife warns me, nostrils flaring, hurling daggers with her glaring
That I’d better not be daring, daring to abscond this chore
“I would never dream it, honey, you will see me do this chore
Wife of mine whom I adore.”

With my wife’s footfalls retreating I begin the task of meeting
That clear obligation of unpleasant chore.
It’s our basement I’ll be cleaning, something I’d indeed been meaning
To completely clear of teeming, teeming trash and so much more.
It’s a landfill I conceded, full of junk and so much more.
Thus I opened up the door.

I take it in with all my gazing and I find it quite amazing
That I never smelled this wretched stench before.
Putrid piles of stuff now rotten, how could all this be forgotten
I know I last had cleaned not in, not in a long year or more
It’s time to get to work I say as I get garbage bags and more
Setting out to do this chore

Two steps down, that’s when I stumble, taking a fantastic tumble
Down the stairs, I hope there’s not a lot of gore
I survive, though it’s quite fishy, as I land on something squishy
Wanting ignorance once might wish he, wish he then would see no more
Incandescents spark and flicker and I do see so much more
A vision worse than Jersey Shore.

My sight and senses quite tormented, rats and insects, those segmented
Vermin freely gather on my basement floor
My soft landing, I am trusting is because of some disgusting
Pile of ghastly creatures bustling, bustling with eight legs or more
Verily my saving cushions walk along eight legs or more
Revulsion fills me to my core.

I utter a fantastic curse, “at least it can’t get any worse”
And learn why I should stick to saying nothing more
My experience I’m clearly chalking, open mouthed, I’m all but balking
For these things are loudly talking, talking on of vermin lore
I have crashed a huge gab session, focused on forgotten lore
Then a large rat takes the floor.

Fur as white as alabaster, says I’ve entered a Toastmasters
Meeting of a chapter unknown heretofore
News as such is surely shocking, my world view these creatures rocking
Then I see them firmly blocking, blocking my way to the door
I’m a prisoner I shudder, kept at bay from basement door
Don’t think I can take much more.

The meeting then proceeds much faster, now the Table Topics Master
Asks a question of me with a deafening roar
The answer I must freely give, is why I be allowed to live
Lest I be opened like a sieve, a sieve and bleed out on this floor
Not a pleasant prospect that, expiring here upon this floor
That truly would be too much gore

Table topics, very tricky, how to answer one so sticky
With a statement that they do not all deplore
My armpits sweat, they must be reeking, as I start my frantic speaking
Hoping that my sadly squeaking, squeaking voice is not a bore
Am I interesting I ask, hoping that I’m not a bore
The green card up, one minute more

Soon it will be open season on my hide without a reason
That I should continue breathing as before
My answer, this: let’s make a deal, for you could likely use a meal
And I could give a generous wheel, a wheel of cheese and so much more
I’d bring you food and goodies, yes, I’d bring you that and so much more
For I would buy it at the store

Thus I end my big conclusion, hope they take to my collusion
View me as an asset for their latest score
Silence as the vermin chatter, cannot overhear their natter
Until finally the matter, matter settled on the floor
I’m allowed to live, they say, my blood not spilt upon the floor
Relief then fills me to my core

Released at last, a bargain struck, the creatures can’t believe their luck
As I go back upstairs outside the basement door.
I summon the exterminator who’ll be back like Terminator
And I’ll say see you later, later all you pests galore
I’m happy to be rid of vermin, hair and filth and legs galore

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