Quoth the Speaker

A few months ago I wrote this for a Toastmasters humorous speech contest. I didn't win, but I'm still proud of it. It's my own version of "The Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe. This speech was inspired in part by this classic product review of Tuscan milk, and I hope you enjoy it. 

Once upon a lazy Sunday as I sat there dreading Monday
Hoping for a for a cat nap of an hour or more

As I lay there, lightly dozing, awesome dreams my brain composing

When I felt a fervent nosing, nosing I tried to ignore

Five more minutes please I muttered, then proceeded to ignore

A prodding that became much more.

Can I be part of the conspiracy?

Everyone believes in one kind of conspiracy theory or another. We faked the moon landing. We're being lied to about 9/11. Warren G. Harding was a real person. All sorts of groups are supposed to be working behind the scenes to influence history: the Freemasons, the Illuminati, Scrabble enthusiasts. Free will is an illusion, because all our choices are predetermined by some shadowy cabal. If any of this is true, I have but one question.

Can I be part of it?

I'd be perfect as part of the conspiracy. While I may not have vast conspiracy experience, I've seen almost every episode of the X-Files, so I think I have the gist of it. I'm very good at siting around a table in some bunker, as I have experience playing Dungeons and Dragons. I figure a conspiracy is pretty similar. You roll some dice and make it up as you go along. I'm not averse to wearing a cloak.