Tuesday, May 28, 2013

This Guide to Tipping

People ask me all the time when they should leave a tip. My first response is, of course, is "Who are you?" and "Why won't you leave me alone?" and "Why are you dressed like a bumblebee?" Once we get past the awkwardness of why total strangers are accosting me, we get into the time-honored tipping dilemma. When should I tip, and how much?

I can understand why this is a frustrating topic. It seems that everyone is expecting a tip these days, not just waitstaff, bellhops, and hit-men. Tip jars are everywhere these days, and it's hard to keep track of whom to tip and how much. (It's even harder than trying to remember whether to use who or whom in a sentence.)

With so much confusion, it is my public service to give you my own personal guide to not only who should be tipped, but how much. 

Sunday, May 19, 2013

This Open Letter to the Used Game Sticker I Can't Fully Peel Off

Dear used game sticker I can't fully peel off,

Can't you get the hint? You are no longer wanted here. You've served your purpose, alerting me that you are a much cheaper version of a game I want. You have allowed me to not only get a game for a much cheaper price, but ensure that this transaction doesn't put a cent in the hands of game companies who refuse to release a 'Greatest Hits' version of the game. You did exactly as you were told, and I commend you for it.

But now it's time to go. You just can't let go. I try to peel you off, but what I get is that white under-sticker residue that tenaciously clings to the game. I can't have that. I need you to smoothly peel off and be like you were never there. I need to remove your presence from my life, and I need you gone yesterday.  It's nothing personal, I just don't want you ruining the aesthetics of my game collection.

Monday, May 13, 2013

How I Met Your Mother: "Something New"

Quick Review: This is what we've been waiting for.

Episode Synopsis: The Season 8 finale is set just before Robin and Barney's wedding, with Ted taking Lily to see the house he's been fixing up, and Robin and Barney settling in for a treasured night of relaxation that is rudely interrupted by an obnoxious couple. Meanwhile, Marshall and the baby take a last-minute trip to see his family in Minnesota. -tvguide

Spoiler alert. Seriously. You're reading this and not watching? Come on. This is a huge episode, and I mean it. Huge. Whatever you're doing can wait. Unless you happen to be performing surgery, then you might want to go operate first, then watch the episode. Do they let you watch television while you operate? Probably not. That could be really distracting. So you're allowed to operate first, but as soon as you're done, and you make sure you didn't leave your keys in the patient, then watch the episode.

Monday, May 6, 2013

How I Met Your Mother: "Something Old"

Quick Review: We are treated to three plots that don't reach their full potential  and instead repeat past glories.

Episode Synopsis: Years ago in Central Park, Robin buried a "something old" for her wedding, but now she can't locate it. Meanwhile, Marshall and Lily ask Ted to help them pack for Italy; and Barney spends some bonding time with Robin Sr. -tvguide

Spoilers ahead, so you might want to stop what you are doing before you go any further. Otherwise, when you are busy reading the spoilers, someone is going to come from behind you and steal your batteries. Do you want that to happen? Do you? Because when that happens, and it will, you will wonder how someone was able to remove the batteries so deftly. You won't even know where these batteries are from, but there they are, in the hands of your adversary. It's not a pretty picture. Especially since you'll spend the rest of the day wondering which of your possessions no longer has batteries. That can drive you mad.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

This Open Letter to Gays

Dear Gays,

First of all, I want you to know that I love you guys. You are some of my favorite celebrities, including Ellen DeGeneres, Stephen Fry, and John "Captain Jack" Barrowman. Plus, you gay men never get tired of telling me how awesome my hair looks. I've never gotten better compliments.

And of course I support gay marriage. I've come out in support of it before, and I've even tried to reach out to my fellow Christians about how they can come to terms with the inevitability of gay marriage. It's going to happen, now a matter of when, rather than if. It's all over save for the shouting of the rapidly shrinking, soon to be irrelevant, minority.

That's what I want to talk to you about. Because I don't just support marriage between gays, I also encourage it. To be frank, as soon as you are able to be married, I need you need to do it, as a personal favor to me.