Wednesday, May 1, 2013

This Open Letter to Gays

Dear Gays,

First of all, I want you to know that I love you guys. You are some of my favorite celebrities, including Ellen DeGeneres, Stephen Fry, and John "Captain Jack" Barrowman. Plus, you gay men never get tired of telling me how awesome my hair looks. I've never gotten better compliments.

And of course I support gay marriage. I've come out in support of it before, and I've even tried to reach out to my fellow Christians about how they can come to terms with the inevitability of gay marriage. It's going to happen, now a matter of when, rather than if. It's all over save for the shouting of the rapidly shrinking, soon to be irrelevant, minority.

That's what I want to talk to you about. Because I don't just support marriage between gays, I also encourage it. To be frank, as soon as you are able to be married, I need you need to do it, as a personal favor to me.

Why do I need you to get married? As I've said previously, I'm a fan of marriage. One reason is that monogamy is good, not only for us, but our communities. Everyone benefits when couples, gay or straight, put down roots. That's why I want all long-term couples, no matter their orientation, to actually take this next step. That's one reason I'd like you to do this.

But there's another reason I really want you all to get married. As a married person, I see the world through a very narrow lens: married and why-aren't-they-married? The older I get, the less I can identify with single people. Quite frankly, I had a hard time identifying with single people when I was single. That's why I need for you all to be married, because then it will be a lot easier to hang out. We can have game night or watch movies or plan elaborate jewel heists. You know, typical couple activities.

You all are awesome people, and I'd like to get to know you better. After all, more and more of you are coming out, and because of that our society is becoming more accepting of our gay friends, family, and neighbors. I want to hang out with you all, but for that to work, I need to get to know you as couples. Call it a personal failing if you will, I just need to be around people I can relate to, and I can relate to married people. It's just the way it has to be.

So that's who I'm turning into. I'm the guy who will pester everyone, gay or straight, about their relationship status; if you've been together long enough. I'll want to know why there isn't a ring on someone's finger. If you get a dirty look from me, it's not because you're gay, it's because you won't commit.

Nothing will make me happier than to be at your wedding. Because soon after, we can all get together for Scrabble and Trivial Pursuit. Are you free next Friday? What about the Friday after that?

Yours in couplehood,

Charles B. French

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