Wednesday, December 4, 2013

This Open Letter to People who say "Happy Holidays"

Dear People who say "Happy Holidays,"

There are three phrases that history will never forget and never forgive: "Crucify Him," "I was just following orders," and "Happy Holidays." I just want to put what you're doing in the proper perspective, because right now you seem blithely unaware of your crimes against humanity. When you wish me a "Happy Holidays," are you completely unaware the depth of your depravity? Don't you understand that every time you utter those foul, disgusting words, your soul shrivels up and Lucifer dances a jig? Can't you see the Divine Judgement headed your way?

I'm telling you this, as a friend, that you need to stop this reprehensible behavior immediately. One of these days, it will be legal to hunt people like you for sport. After all, running you down like an animal is the only solution I see to preserving the true meaning of Christmas. Your bloody carcass will serve as a clear reminder that Christmas is about God's love for all humankind. Except for people like you.

Have you no respect for the sacred story of our God, who became flesh, was born in a manger, taught us to love each other, and was crucified to save or souls? Of course not, because you are filthy, human garbage. I am disgusted by the sight of you, your children, and your "well wishes." You pollute the air every time you take a breath.

You seem to be under some naive delusion that this season is about peace on earth, goodwill toward men, and all that hippie nonsense. No, this season is about why I, as a Christian, am morally and spiritually superior to you. When I declare that I'm "Keeping Christ in Christmas," what I mean is that I am a much better, more holy person that you will ever be. My bumper sticker is proof to the world of my sanctified nature.

In a just world, God would strike you down the moment you even thought to say "Happy Holidays." We would build funeral pyres hundreds of feet high, overflowing with the corpses of those who'd utter those befouled words. As the flames lit the night sky, it would serve as a warning to the rest of you that God, in all His infinite Love, will kill you for an improper holiday greeting.

Sadly, it looks like I'm going to have to spend another year putting up with your noise pollution, you festering boil on the bottom of humanity's foot. Be warned that when you wish me a "Happy Holidays," my polite smile is only a facade. Inside I am silently praying for your painful death, perhaps being mauled by bears. Because unlike you, I know what Christmas is all about.

I hope that this letter reaches you, and shows you exactly what you are doing and how you look to the rest of us. When you stand before God, He might want to know why you ignored the true meaning of Christmas and instead focused so heavily on a few, insignificant words.

Wishing you a Merry Everything,

Charles B. French

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