Wednesday, June 26, 2013

This Open Letter to Gay Marriage Opponents

Dear Gay Marriage Opponents,

I get that you are passionate about this issue, more so now that the Supreme Court has overturned parts of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) and basically nullified Proposition 8. I'm not saying you don't have the right to your opinion. I'm a big believer in free speech and would never want to censor you. However, in your defense of this position, may I ask you a favor? Some of you are claiming that allowing gay marriage will lead to people wanting to marry their household appliances. I'd really appreciate it if you stopped saying that, because now one of my appliances wants to marry me.

Apparently my Playstation 2 has been half-hearing pundits talk about the issue for years now, and it somehow got the idea that since DOMA was overturned, man-machine marriage is now legal or about to be. It figures that since we've had a relationship for years, now, that it's time to get serious. It doesn't care about the fact that I'm already married and that marriage is a contract between two consenting human parties. It just wants to get married.

No matter what I say, I can't dissuade it. All it ever tells me is that now that gay marriage is legal, people will be marrying their pets and their cars and their houses and, of course, their appliances. That's all it ever heard, or chose to hear, regarding the gay marriage debate. People were going to marry these non-human objects, and my Playstation 2 wants in on that.

You should see what it wants the bridesmaids to wear

So, I'd like to ask you all reading this a favor. Could you drop the people marrying objects talking points? It's just confusing the appliances and giving them false hope. They don't understand the nature of hyperbolic punditry, not to mention paranoid, fringe ignorance. Appliances are very simple; there's no guile in them. They don't know how to take inane prophesies of doom with a grain of salt. They hear you talking about people marrying their toaster oven and they wonder why their current owner hasn't put a ring on it, or wherever you'd put a ring on a toaster oven.

My Playstation 2 is insecure as it is. I purchased a Playstation 3 a few months ago, and it's definitely shifted the dynamics in my household. The Playstation 3 has better graphics, a Blu-Ray player, and great support for online gaming. I've already put a lot of hours into this new machine, and now my Playstation 2 feels like I'm throwing it all away, that those years and years of great gaming meant nothing.

Honestly, I think that this bid for marriage is a desperate attempt to repair the relationship. I've seen this happen before. A relationship becomes stagnant, and someone proposes marriage in the belief that getting married will solve everything. Again, not only is that one of the worst reasons to get married, machines can't marry people.

But my Playstation 2 is undeterred. It keeps telling me that people are already marrying their houseplants left and right, and so game consoles are next. That's why I'm begging you all to please stop telling my poor Playstation 2 that gay marriage is going to lead to people marrying their appliances. You're only going to break my poor appliance's heart.

Sincerely yours,

Charles B. French

More Open Letters

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