Wednesday, August 21, 2013

This Open Letter to Moral Crusaders

Dear Moral Crusaders,

I know you're busy, let's cut to the chase. We need each other. You need a villain to star in your next fund-raising newsletter, and I need the publicity. As they say in the business world, we could create some real synergy and shift our paradigms. (Most of my business expertise comes from Dilbert.)

I'm a struggling author trying to make it big, but not a lot of people are paying attention. Perhaps that's my fault, as I could be doing more to increase my brand. I could be doing a lot more internet-savvy things to generate attention, but marketing is a lot of work. I'm a writer. The entire point of being a writer is to do as little work as possible.

If there's one thing I am good at, it's being creative. Suppose I'm writing a story about a door-to-door frozen yogurt salesman who falls in love with a time-traveling fugitive. I need a reason that these two would become entangled. As long as the reason is plausible, my readers would not only accept their romance but want to see where it goes.

But I'm not just writing fictional stories, I'm trying to write my own. In my story, I rise from obscurity to become a global force of nature. I become a household name as everyone reads my work. They love it. They hate it. They argue about it on the internet. The only thing holding me back is the cause of my sudden celebrity.

That's where you come in. Nothing is more appealing than an author who is thoroughly denounced by every moral crusader on the planet. Just look at J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter series. I became a devoted fan precisely because Christians couldn't stop talking about how evil and awful her books were. She was called every name in the book (devil-worshiper, witch, Steve) and it only added to my desire to find out what was so special about this boy who lived in a cupboard under the stairs. That's why Rowling became a billionaire.

However, it's not like the moral crusaders didn't get their cut. They sold countless books, videos, and DVDs about how Harry Potter was the most evil force on the planet. Pastor after pastor delivered fire-and-brimstone sermons denouncing the books, which I'm sure added some weight to the subsequent collection plates. Donations rolled in to these organizations from concerned parents who wanted to keep the evil influence of Harry Potter away from their children, for fear the books would teach them witchcraft.

As you can see, it was a win-win for everyone. That's why I'd like you to begin denouncing my work. I'm certain there's something I've written that might offend you. Perhaps one of my many Christian scripts will rub you the wrong way. It could be my fantasy novel. My Relationship Corner articles  acknowledge same-sex relationships, and my Christian Geek articles encourage Christians to support gay marriage. I'm an offensive gold mine here.

I'm surprised, and a bit disappointed quite frankly, that I've been able to operate under the radar for so long. Surely something of mine must have turned up as you constantly scoured the internet looking for your next outrage. It's even possible that I made it onto someone's list, but because I don't exactly have a massive readership or name recognition, there was no point.

But we can change all that. Your outrage will make me famous. The fact that I am famous will prompt even more outrage and further denunciations. I'll criticize you for trying to censor me, and you'll use me as an example of how far society has fallen. While my digital books fly off the digital shelves, you'll see donations pour in as you promise to put a stop to me. Why are we not already doing this?

If we pull this off, it'll be like we're printing money. We'll be like one of those caper movies (that you've probably condemned) only everything will be on the up and up. The cops can't touch us. While I'll have to give Uncle Sam his cut, you'll get away clean by claiming a non-profit or religious tax exemption. It's the perfect scam. I provide the target, you bring the firepower, and the rest is history.

Think it over. You know where to find me. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to write more things that are in direct opposition to everything yo ever have or will believe. And your mother is of questionable morality.

Offensively yours,

Charles B. French

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