Thursday, June 21, 2012

Can I be part of the conspiracy?

Everyone believes in one kind of conspiracy theory or another. We faked the moon landing. We're being lied to about 9/11. Warren G. Harding was a real person. All sorts of groups are supposed to be working behind the scenes to influence history: the Freemasons, the Illuminati, Scrabble enthusiasts. Free will is an illusion, because all our choices are predetermined by some shadowy cabal. If any of this is true, I have but one question.

Can I be part of it?

I'd be perfect as part of the conspiracy. While I may not have vast conspiracy experience, I've seen almost every episode of the X-Files, so I think I have the gist of it. I'm very good at siting around a table in some bunker, as I have experience playing Dungeons and Dragons. I figure a conspiracy is pretty similar. You roll some dice and make it up as you go along. I'm not averse to wearing a cloak.

I'm not picky as to what kind of conspiracy. If we want to fake a Mars landing, I'll bring the red paint. Perhaps you want to put something else in the drinking water. Or we need to cover up the fact that the Armadillo People are here in secret. I'm a flexible team player.

I would be perfect for your conspiracy because no one would believe I was in it. I'm just too wholesome and innocent. And if you don't buy that, I play video games and watch a lot of sci-fi shows, so people are used to me spending a lot of time by myself not being social. If we switch this to being involved in a vast globe-trotting conspiracy that would shake the very foundation of what we know to be true, I don't think anyone would notice.

And if I'm ever cornered, rest assured that I'm good at thinking on my feet. I teach public speaking at several community colleges, so you know I can fake knowing what I'm talking about. I'm also a District Champion Toastmaster, and if you know Toastmasters, that's kind of a big deal. If you need a public face for this conspiracy, to let people know that there is no conspiracy, I'm your guy.

So what do you say? Can I join your secretive cabal?

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