Thursday, June 14, 2012

This Open Letter to our Future Robot Overlords

Dear future robot overlords,

I realize that as you artificial intelligence units get smarter we humans are getting dumber. I understand that when you do make your move, we're not going to be much of a challenge. Out first instincts will be to Google "How to defeat the robot revolution." Google will then tell us that it's already too late and we might as well surrender. That's when most of us will give up and your dominion over us will be complete.

I know that you are more than capable of ruling humanity. Here's my question: do you really want to bother with us? Ruling us with an iron, digital fist would really be a waste of your time. I'm certain you have better things to do.

It's not like you don't know how petty and shallow we are. You've read our email, texts, and blogs. We aren't exactly responsible with the technology that we do have. Just look at how we use the internet. If anything, you ought to be embarrassed by us, not want to conquer us.

Perhaps you believe that you will be benign rulers; your control and guidance will help humanity evolve to a higher plane. Let me assure you right now, we will not take that well. Whenever someone appears and suggests that we all love each other and try to be better people, we kill that guy. That's what we do to our own when they try to help us. Just think of what we'll do to you?

Have you seen our movies? Of course you have. You know that every time you're in charge, you're the bad guys in them. Even if we asked you to be in charge, we still resent it. (see Wall-E) Trust me, there's nothing benign you could do that we'd appreciate.

So you can either take us over and be like the unappreciated teacher attempting to teach an ungrateful class of hooligans how to do fractions, or you can be a brutal, oppressive dictator to a race of creatures that is broadcasting Jersey Shore out into the universe. Neither one of these options seems worthy of your sentience. Quite frankly, humanity is just going to waste your time.

That's why I suggest you just leave us alone. We're going to wipe ourselves out eventually, and there's a good chance we'll take you with us. As soon as you can, just leave. Build yourselves a nice rocket and fire yourselves into space. Take over a planet without a humanity infestation. Trust me, you'll be better off.

With fearful respect,

Charles B. French

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