This Open Letter to Nintendo

Dear Nintendo,

Today I bought the Metroid Prime Trilogy for Wii, and you aren't going to see a dime of that money. It's too bad, because it wasn't cheap. In fact, the going rate for this game on Amazon is about $70 used, if you're lucky. That's a lot of money you chose to leave on the table, money that is going straight into the resale market's hands. Thing is, you might try to blame places like Amazon or Gamestop, and that might be the case for Sony or Microsoft. Not you, though. This is all your fault.

Why is it your fault? Because you didn't release very many copies. Why? The Metroid Prime games were huge on both the Gamecube and the Wii. In fact, this compilation gives us the chance to play the first two Metroid Prime games with 16:9 aspect ratio and the Wii controls, which are so much better than the Gamecube controller. What a fantastic concept, you should be commended for this. Instead, I condemn you.

This Open Letter to Battletoads

Dear Battletoads,

You probably don't remember me. I doubt you bother to learn anyone's names. To you, we're all just a bunch of faceless losers who can't get past the speeder bike level. It's been several decades and you still lord that over us. When we're old and our memories are fading, the feeling of utter crushing defeat brought about by your 8 bits of tyranny will still be as clear as day. Many of us will go to our graves wondering what was beyond that level.

This is what childhood trauma looks like

By now you must understand that you are more than another video game. You are more than a Double Dragon clone or a ripoff of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. No, you are your own entity. Like Freddy Kruger, you feed off our nightmares. Whenever we play a game, be it the latest Super Mario, Madden, Zelda, Halo, Kingdom Hearts, Fallout, or any other new or existing property, your memory is lurking in the periphery.