This Relationship Corner: Indulge Each Other

A while back my wife flipped for a new book called The Art of Clean Up. It's by artist Ursus Wehrli, and the book is all about his efforts to put the world in order. He takes a normal scene and pulls it apart bit by bit, and organizes each component into separate categories. I wouldn't have given this book a second look, but this is in my wife's wheelhouse. Naturally, I got it for her.

Earlier this year my my wife and I were shopping and we happened upon some pajama pants. These were no ordinary pants, there were emblazoned with the face of Mario, of Super Mario Brothers fame, and my inner geek loved those pants. My wife was never a Mario devotee, but she knows how much money that plumber has taken from me over my lifetime. She got those pajama pants for me.

What is the point of these two anecdotes, besides the fact that my wife and I have eccentric and geeky tastes? It's that when we saw something that would make each other happy, we went for it. It might not be our taste, we might not quite understand it, but that doesn't mean we can't indulge one another. In fact, these small indulgences are part of maintaining a healthy relationship.

This Relationship Corner: Work has no Gender

If you were alive in the 1980's, you couldn't escape The Cosby Show. It was the biggest sitcom on television, providing the template for many, many 80's sitcoms about the perils of raising a family in middle (or upper-middle) class America. One part of the show that always stuck with me was the character of Elvin, Sondra's chauvinistic boyfriend who absolutely believed that there was "man's work" and "women's work." The women of the Huxtable house, Claire in particular, took umbrage with that.

The Cosby Show was not just about breaking down the racial divide, showing an affluent African American family with two professional parents: a doctor and a lawyer. The show also made great strides on breaking down the gender barrier, refusing to buy into the idea that men, and especially women, had "their place." Elvin's beliefs that there was such a thing as "women's work" was quickly slapped down by every female in the Huxtable household. He was also given a counter-example in the form of Cliff Huxtable.

Cliff was an active member of his domestic partnership. He never divided the household duties into His and Hers. He simply did what needed to be done. As an impressionable 80's viewer, I never forgot the sight of Cliff in the kitchen, or watching the kids, or doing whatever was needed for his family. Cliff knew a very important truth, one I share with you today: work is work, it has no gender.

This Relationship Corner: Ditch the Defensiveness

There's a line from the new Star Trek movie that I particularly enjoyed. As Spock and Kirk are arguing, and Spock tells Kirk, "Your defensiveness indicates that you agree with me." It doesn't matter what century we're in, we often resort to defensiveness when we can't, or won't, see that we're wrong. It's a common human failing, one that will destroy your relationships. Even your potential for relationships.

I'm a huge fan of the website Cracked, and when they aren't pontificating on the possibilities of a zombie apocalypse, or the realities of creepy urban legends, they will sometimes feature columns full of relationship advice. A recent column focused on five turn-offs found in male dating profiles and why those personality traits are relationship repellent.  If you want a textbook case of defensiveness, read the article's comments section. Man after man complained that the writer should also talk about what women do wrong and why women, not men, are the problem.

In other words, the men commenting refused to accept that their attitudes and actions were a problem. They aren't the problem, it's everyone else who's the problem.

This Relationship Corner: It Won't be Perfect

I'm writing this on Valentine's Day, but this column could be about any special day the two of you celebrate. It could be about your anniversary or birthday, a special vacation or a quiet evening together. It could be about an event you've planned for months, if not years, or something you throw together at the last minute. No matter what the occasion, you need to understand one thing: it's not going to be perfect.

The word "perfect" is the ruiner of relationships. I've written before about the misguided belief in "soul-mates," as it causes you to abandon relationships at the first sign of trouble because you believe that when you meet "the one" you'll never have problems. Just as dangerous a belief is that your special moments must be blemish-free, that when you leave behind the worries of the world, you will enter a private paradise.

This Relationship Corner: The Major Procedure

What's the difference between a minor and major surgical procedure? The major procedure is what happens to you. That's how I feel when I have to go to the doctor or when my wife has to endure anything medical at all. A while back she went in for an outpatient procedure at the hospital. She was in and out that day, but it was still pretty major in my book. Fortunately everything went as well as it could have, and she is feeling so much better now.

This is a moment that can be a proving ground for relationships. I've written before about caring for your significant when they are sick, but that's nothing compared to supporting them through a surgical procedure. If there is one big rule in relationships, one commandment that should be written in stone, it's that when surgery is involved, you first priority is your partner.

This Relationship Corner: Now You're Cooking!

A lot of people wonder what they could do to be more attractive. Far too many people focus solely on the physical side to the equation. And while you should make an effort to look your best, be well groomed, not smell terrible, you can't just focus on appearances. You also need to focus on what you bring to the table besides cleaning up nicely. This is why you need to know how to cook.

This isn't an option skill set in your life. You can't be the kind of person who always goes out and never cooks, because that's not how life works anymore. Even if you happen to be very rich and can afford to pay people to cook, even if you get married straight out of high school and move from your parents' house to your spouse's, you still need to know the basics of cooking. It's not just about survival, it's integral in shaping your character.

This Relationship Corner: Chores

Ever have one of those "there ought to be a law!" kind of moments, when you get an idea so good you think it should be mandatory for everyone. I had one a while back and I had to share. A couple shouldn't be able to get married until they've spent an afternoon running errands together. I told you it was a good idea, and even if it won't be a law, I think it should be a vital part of pre-marital counseling.

If you've never heard of pre-marital counseling, it's when a couple attends counseling sessions to make sure that they know what they are getting into with marriage. It's the plot of the movie License to Wed. (And if you've never heard of that movie, then this is one of those times when ignorance truly is bliss.) The goal is preventative maintenance, addressing potential problems before you get married so they don't crop up after. It's a great idea, really, and I recommend it to everyone thinking about marriage.

This Relationship Corner: Try it, You'll Like It

My wife has a habit of putting a book in my hand and demanding I read it. I just finished one a few weeks ago, in fact. We're both book-lovers, so reading has always been a shared interest. However, we often like to read different things, making it hard to talk about books because we don't know what the other is reading. This is why she assigns me homework, because she wants to talk to be about the books she loves so much.

Reading a book is a pretty serious time commitment, which is why I can be pretty picky about what I read. However, when my wife hands me a book, I'll often drop whatever I'm already reading and plow into it. Over the years, she's handed me many, many books and I've enjoyed all of them. Now, when she hands me something, I know I'll enjoy it, or at the very least enjoy talking about it with her.

This Relationship Corner: Alone Time

There's an old adage that familiarity breeds contempt. Too much time around a person can turn them from someone you love sharing your life with to someone whose very presence irritates the snot out of you. (And that's even less fun during allergy season.) While many couples struggle with trying to get any time together, because of kids, work, or other responsibilities, other couples have the opposite problem: too much time around each other.

My wife and I have both of these problems, and it's always due to work. Some times of the year our work schedules mean that I'm gone in the morning and afternoon, and she's gone until late in the evening. Other times, however, I'm always home when she's home. She likes it at first because we have more time together. After a few weeks, however, her attitude shifts.

"I love you," she tells me. "Now get out."

This Relationship Corner: Support Each Other's Dreams

I want to write books. I've already written one and I'm working on the second. In case you don't know, writing one of these things takes a lot of time and dedication. You're going to spend a lot of time writing, editing, rewriting, and obsessing over every little word. If you're in a relationship, you're going to need one very important thing: a partner who supports your goal. Thankfully, I have that in my wife.

My wife gets what I'm trying to do. She's my biggest supporter, and that doesn't just mean she's a cheerleader. She believes in my dream so much that she pushes me to work on it. In fact, she was the one who insisted I finish my book and get it published online. Without her, it would still be a file on my computer.

Today's article isn't just a chance for me to plug my book, it's an examination of a very important truth. We all have dreams, but not all of us get to fulfill them or at least try. A big factor in whether we realize these dreams is having people in our lives who understand our dreams, encourage us, support us, and truly understand what we're trying to do. Not only do you need someone in your life who supports you, you need to be the same thing to them. You aren't a good partner if you don't support their dreams.

This Relationship Corner: Finding it Charming

If you've ever watched the television show Frasier, then you are familiar with the character Daphne, played by the brilliant Jane Leeves. She was their live-in physical therapist and housekeeper, and in the early seasons they played up her insistence that she was psychic. It was a quirky character trait that ran counter to the more scientific and skeptical natures of Frasier, his brother Niles, and even their father Martin. That being said, they still embraced Daphne as part of their family. When asked about her claims of being a psychic, Frasier replied, "We've decided to find it charming."

While meant as a cute joke, this line was actually wiser than perhaps even the writers realized. In a relationship, your partner is going to have some quirks, habits, and beliefs that you don't share. I've written before about what is and isn't a deal-breaker, and today I want to focus on those aspects of your partner that might annoy you but aren't impossible to live with. Instead of gritting your teeth and bearing them, though, you should try to find them charming.

This Relationship Corner: Common Courtesy

A lot of couples out there are looking for a magic bullet to either fix or preserve their relationship. While there is no one trick that will magically make your life one big Happily Ever After, there is one practice that will make your relationship strong, durable, and a lot more pleasant. If you just say "please" and "thank-you" to each other, you'll find your relationship is much better for it.

Yes, according to this article, a little common courtesy goes a long way, especially if you make it a priority right at the start of the relationship. If you are courteous and appreciative, you will foster an environment that is less prone to anger, tension, and giant arguments that wake the neighbors. I'm assuming that's what you want in a relationship. Unless your goal is to wind up on one of the twelve dozen police reality shows, and in that case, may I suggest you aim higher.

This Relationship Corner: I didn't mean it like that

Ever have one of those arguments? It didn't start out like an argument. It was just an ordinary conversation with your significant other. So ordinary that you were really on autopilot, tuning in now and then to check up on it. Suddenly, without really paying attention, something slips out of your mouth that you either didn't mean, or you didn't mean it like that. Had you been paying more attention, you might have caught it and you never would have said it. But you did say it, and now you're in trouble.

There's two ways to go when this happens, when you didn't mean to say something hurtful but the other person got hurt anyway. The first strategy is to stand by your words. After all, you didn't mean it. It's them who has the problem. They should get over it and let it go. Why are they making such a big deal about it anyway? You're just going to wait patiently until they get over it.

Let's call that the wrong choice.

This Relationship Corner: Nice Guys and Good Men

Talk about relationships enough, and you'll come across the same question: why don't girls like "nice guys?" It can be frustrating. You're in the dating world, you see yourself as a Nice Guy, but it seems that all women hate you. They'd rather date jerks who treat them badly. Meanwhile you're ready to put them on a pedestal and worship them. Why can't they see how great you are? Especially after all the nice things you've done for them?

And this is where I start to see a problem with this attitude. The longer I hear a self-proclaimed "nice guy" rant about women, I hear the same thing come up over and over. "I'm nice to that woman, so I'm entitled to date her." You nice guys may not realize this, but that's basically your attitude. You are owed a girlfriend, and you are owed the affections of whatever female you find attractive.

Internet writer John Cheese came up with an interesting theory about this attitude. In movies, television shows, and video games, we see example after example of a man "winning" the affections of a women. She may not notice him at first. Perhaps she even hates him. But by the end of it, he does enough good deeds to completely win her over. In effect, she's his prize for all the good things he did. It doesn't matter what she wants or thinks. He's the hero, he's entitled to her.

This Relationship Corner: In sickness

It's as inevitable as the sun rising and setting, a traffic jam when you're in a hurry, and that television show you like getting cancelled. Your significant other is going to get sick. It might be a simple cold, a less simple flu, or an extremely complicated disease that gets them mentioned in a medical journal. Whatever they've got, you are now the designated go-to caregiver. They need something, you're the first call.

You'll hear a lot of advice about when you know you should get married, and I'm going to offer one more. You shouldn't marry someone until they've been really sick. (And you should at least wait until they get better for the wedding.) The reason you need for one, or both, of you to be sick is that you need to know what it's like when that happens. If you're the one who's sick, can you count on your boyfriend or girlfriend to be there for you? Can you depend on your significant other? If so, that's a good sign. If not, that's a sign that you should re-think a lifelong commitment.

This Relationship Corner: The In-Laws

Nothing can send people into a panic faster than seven little words: "I want you to meet my family." Meeting the family is a serious step. First, it means that this relationship has reached a new phase in its development. You two are more than just casually dating, you are now an Item. And once you reach Item stage, you are serious enough to be introduced to you partner's family for poking, prodding, intense scrutiny, and overt hints about getting married and having babies.

Unless they don't like you.

On the plus side, it's doubtful you'll be bombarded with hints of weddings and babies. The down side, it's because the thought of their relative marrying you and procreating makes them ill. Nothing personal, it's just that you are completely unsuitable as a partner, completely beneath them, and likely a failure as a human being in their eyes. They can't imagine where they went wrong that their son or daughter wants to breathe the same air as you, let alone contemplate a future together.

This Relationship Corner: Short and Long Term Attraction

We usually can't help who we're attracted to. The instant we lay eyes on someone we know whether we find that person attractive. It could be for a variety of different reasons, but before we take our next blink we know if we're attracted. It may not make any sense to us, or anyone else, or it could be the most obvious thing in the world. We've all found ourselves hopelessly attracted.

Attraction is tricky, but it isn't as big a mystery as we might think. True, sometimes there's no accounting for taste, but many times, it tracks. We 'fall' for very specific reasons, and if we look inside ourselves, we can figure out just who is our type, and why. We might also want to figure out whether we want to act on our attraction, as it could be leading us in a very bad direction. Other times, our attraction is telling us something our conscious mind hasn't quite figured out - this person could be a great match for us.

This Relationship Corner: Testing Your Relationship

There comes a time in most relationships when you put on a white lab coat, grab a clip board, and force the one you love to run through a maze. I'm being metaphorical (I hope) about the ways we test the relationship and each other. As we seek to find out whether this person is someone we see ourselves with long-term, we run various tests, just as our partner is testing us. And that's the way it's supposed to be.

The reason we test is simple. It's how we discover things. Just ask the Mythbusters. They test a myth to see whether it's true, false, or plausible, and no matter how it turns out, they know more about it coming out of the test than they did going in. Then they blow something up, which is why science is awesome. In our case, these tests help us discover what we want out of a relationship and whether this other person can give it to us.

But before you go racing to find the latest Cosmo quiz, let me assure you that I'm not talking about those tests, but ones that are actually useful. I'm also not taking about being sneaky and underhanded, trying to manipulate your partner into doing what you want. The goal is to see who your significant other truly is and whether the two of you are compatible long-term.

I'd like to profile three of the tests that we run in our relationships and why they are essential to your long-term health. After all, if you can weed out the riff-raff early, it will save you weeks, months, even years of time, time better spent looking for the right person.

This Relationship Corner: Talking About the Ex

Nothing can take a perfectly pleasant date from zero to uncomfortable silence quite like bringing up an ex. If you want to completely kill the mood, and perhaps your chances of ever going out again, talk nonstop about your ex. To make sure you destroy any hope of another date, ask about all your date's exes and demand details.

And yet, talking about your exes is necessary for a healthy relationship. The key, of course, if how you talk about them. This might not be something you bring up on a first date, or when you're just starting to get to know each other. This is one of those more serious conversations you have a little bit later, when you've built up some trust, started to establish a bond, and can handle bringing up potentially rough subjects.

This Relationship Corner: Sharing Interests

Here's an important little tip for a thriving long-term relationship or marriage. It helps, a lot, if the two of you share some common interests. While you don't have to do everything together, your passions should intersect somewhere. You two are building a life together, and it's much easier to build if you two are operating with a similar set of blueprints. For example, if both of you love making blueprints.

I mentioned last week that a strong couple culture can help build an enduring relationship. Part of building this culture is sharing activities that give you mutual experiences. Events that happened when you two went snorkeling or skydiving together will help you build your couple shorthand and speak in your couple code that no one else can understand. When you lack mutual experiences, you don't get that chance to create as much of your shared code.