This Open Letter to Paramount

Dear Paramount,

Let's dispense with pleasantries and get right down to business. You won. It wasn't even a fair fight. In your corner you have Muhammad Ali in an M1 Abrams tank. In my corner I have a sock puppet with a missing eye. We both knew how this was going to end.

Today is the day you released the Star Trek Into Darkness Blu Ray. A while back I was dismayed to learn that you weren't putting all the special features on one release. Instead, you got the bright idea to give different stores different versions, so that each retailer can boast its own set of exclusives. Now, either I buy two or even three copies of the same movie to have all the features, or I choose which features I can live without. It's like Sophie's Choice, except this isn't the Holocaust, it's only a Blue Ray home release, and I'm being incredibly petty.

Shaky cam is a tool of the devil

Look, I get that over time cinema evolves. Whether the innovation is sound, color, 3D, or CGI, 48fps, film-goers are always eager to see the next big thing. But there's one so-called "innovation" that needs to be retired. I know, I sound like the neighborhood crank yelling at kids to get off his lawn, but shaky cam is the tool of the devil and needs to begone.

Call me old fashioned, but when I go to the movies, I like being able to actually see what's onscreen. If I can't tell who lived or died after watching a big action scene, that's a problem. If I can't even tell characters apart, then I think it's clear that they're doing it wrong. I don't know why this annoying trend is so popular, but it needs to stop.