Friday, November 11, 2011

What’s my Line?

What’s my line?
By Charles B. French and badchristian

A Director is trying to give motivation to an Actor playing Peter in the pivotal scene when he confronts the Sanhedrin.
Reference Verses: Acts 4:1-22

The Actor’s missed lines are all famous movie, television, Shakespeare, or speech quotes. They should be done in the style of these famous lines.

The Director and Actor walk onstage.

Director: Please tell me you’ve learned your lines.

Actor: I’m insulted you even asked me that.

Director: I don’t want a reprise of the Nativity play.

Actor: Are you still going to bring that up? It was a challenging role!

Director: You were the innkeeper and had one line! One! “There’s no room in the inn!”  

Actor: My therapist says I’m not supposed to let you reopen old wounds.

Director: Don’t worry; you’ll get a few new ones if you don’t get your act together.

Actor: I know my lines. It’s my motivation I’m still trying to get.

Director: Motivation, eh? Here we go; do it right and I won’t remove your liver with a trowel.

Actor: Not quite what I was looking for.

Director: Would you prefer a vague threat with a pair of hedge trimmers and a rabid weasel?

Actor: How about you just set up the scene.

Director: Fine. You’re Peter, standing before the Sanhedrin. They are angry you dared to heal a cripple and preach about Jesus. Rather than hide away, you are filled with the Spirit, stand before them, and say…

Actor: Ask not what your country can do for you…

Director: No. I thought you said you knew your lines.

Actor: Isn’t that what Peter said?

Director: Not even close.

Actor: Let me try it again. Set me up.

Director: Before the Sanhedrin. Filled with the spirit.

Actor: Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Director: What is that?

Actor: You’re making me nervous.

Director: You? I’m the one they blame if this goes wrong. Now concentrate. Peter. Sanhedrin.

Actor: I’m Spartacus!

Director: No!

Actor: Friends, Romans, Countrymen…

Director: Wrong!

Actor: I have a dream!

Director: Not even close.

Actor: There is no spoon.

Director: Try again.

Actor: Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Director: Our careers are going to die. Look, think like a first century Christian. How would you respond to persecution?

Actor: Kiss my Grits!

Director: The Sadducees seized you and threw you in jail.

Actor: Nobody puts baby in the corner.

Director: The next day you’re questioned by the Sanhedrin.

Actor: You talking to me? Are you talking to me?

Director: You tell them how Jesus fulfilled prophesy.

Actor: One Ring to rule them all, and in the darkness, bind them.

Director: You’re before them, showing them the cripple you healed!

Actor: Say hello to my little friend.

Director: You’re filled with the Spirit!

Actor: To infinity and beyond!

Director: They’re trying to intimidate you, but you turn the tables on them.

Actor: Do you feel lucky. Do you, punk?

Director: They hate that you proclaim Christ.

Actor: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Director: These people hate everything about your faith.

Actor: You dirty rat!

Director: They don’t want you preaching the Gospel.

Actor: You can’t handle the truth.

Director: You have such faith that you’ll gladly face death.

Actor: Frankly my dear, I don’t give a…

Director: You’re not the same man who denied Christ three times.

Actor: The Dude abides.

Director: Enough! I can’t work like this. I’m going with your understudy.

The Director walks offstage leaving the Actor.

Actor: (stares up and screams) KHAAAAAAAAAN!

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What's my Line Copyright © 2011 Charles B. French and badchristian. All Rights Reserved.
You may perform this script for free as long as no admission is charged for the performance. I would love to hear about how it went, so drop me a line – you can find the address here.
Permission is required for performances in which admission is charged, to record a performance of this script, or post any audio or video this script online.