Friday, November 11, 2011

Extreme Makeover – Heart Edition

Extreme Makeover – Heart Edition
By Charles B. French

In our zeal to celebrate Christmas, it’s easy to forget the real reason for the season and instead focus on everything that doesn’t matter. We make ourselves and everyone else miserable during a time of year when we should be celebrating and contemplating God’s great love for us.
Reference Verse: Luke 2:8-20

Characters: Gary is the type of person who makes everyone miserable by trying to make Christmas perfect. He should be dressed somewhat Christmassy and will have a cell phone.  Ty is the host of the show who wants to change Gary’s heart.

Ty and Gary enter. Gary is on the phone.

Ty: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and…

Gary: (on cell phone) You call that a Christmas tree? How am I supposed to get into the yuletide spirit when the tinsel to lights ratio isn’t precisely three to two?

Ty: Welcome to…

Gary: (still on phone) What’s that supposed to be on top? You know darn well that we have a silver star to match the skirt, not some angel that completely throws off the color scheme.

Ty: Welcome to…

Gary: (still on phone) Don’t even get me started on the wreath you put on the door! I told you to hang it exactly six feet up and yet you put it at five feet, eight inches.

Ty: (very fast) Welcome to Extreme Makeover Heart Edition!

Gary: (notices Ty) Look, I have to go, but don’t think I didn’t notice those stockings. They were not hung with care! (hangs up) I don’t know why my wife is always so unhappy this time of year.

Ty: Thank you for coming on the show.

Gary: I was told this was Christmas themed, and yet you are clearly not in the appropriate colors. Would a little red and green kill you?

Ty: Today’s project, Gary, is quite the challenge.

Gary: You want to talk about projects? How hard is it to properly adorn a yard with Christmas lights? Apparently some people think that wrapping the trunk is good enough. It isn’t. You either do the whole tree or not at all. Glowing trunks don’t mean Christmas. You need branches people. Branches!

Ty: Now Gary, we’re here today to take a look at your heart to see if there’s a way to improve your enjoyment of the season.

Gary: Do I look like I’ve got time for this? If I don’t supervise my children closely, they’ll make asymmetrical Christmas cookies.

Ty: My first question to you is why? Why does the tree and the wreath and the cookies matter so much?

Gary: Isn’t it obvious? It’s Christmas.

Ty: You don’t seem to be getting much joy from the season.

Gary: How can I have joy? Do you know that children are singing about Comet, Cupid, ‘Donner’ and Blitzen? It’s not Donner, it’s Donder! With a ‘D!’ Donder! Don’t they teach anything at these schools?

Ty: Why is this important?

Gary: Because you need to get it right, people.

Ty: How do you get Christmas right?

Gary: Look, there’s a way Christmas is supposed to be. Otherwise, it’s not Christmas, and I can’t stand it when people do it wrong.

Ty: So in order for it to be Christmas, everyone has to do it your way?

Gary: My way is the right way. There’s Christmas and there’s not-Christmas and most people are having a not-Christmas.

Ty: So all you can think of when this time of year rolls around…

Gary: Is that all the stores around here play the wrong Christmas music. We don’t need yet another round of mediocre pop stars trying to improve upon what Bing Crosby and Nat King Cole perfected. I don’t want to hear the latest boy band’s version of ‘Jingle Bell Rock.’

Ty: Is that all the holiday means to you?

Gary: I wish it would mean something to me, but every time I think I’m getting into the spirit, someone does it wrong. Either a Santa is too skinny or an elf is too tall or some kid thinks that a baby carrot is all that you need for a proper snowman. Where are the parents?

Ty: And this is upsetting to you?

Gary: Don’t get me started, and let’s not forget about the stores. Apparently it’s now in bad taste to go up to store clerks and berate them until they cry. Don’t they know I have important shopping to do? Can’t they just read my mind and know what I want?

Ty: Aren’t you missing the big picture? What it’s all about?

Gary: Look, I really don’t have time to get philosophical. In case you haven’t noticed, it’s Christmas. Excuse me, but the florist never gets the poinsettias right and I’m going to have to do it myself.

Gary rushes offstage.

Ty: As you can see changing this heart will be quite the challenge for our crew. Let’s get started.

Ty exits.
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Extreme Makeover – Heart Edition Copyright © 2011 Charles B. French. All Rights Reserved.
You may perform this script for free as long as no admission is charged for the performance. I would love to hear about how it went, so drop me a line – you can find the address here.
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