This Open Letter to the Clerk I Berated

Dear Clerk I Berated,

I get that you were just doing your job when you said have a nice day. You didn't realize that you were actually oppressing me. But that's what you were doing. By refusing to validate my sacred holiday, you metaphorically slapped me in the face. And I won't stand for that. Today is not just a "Good Day" or a "Happy Holiday." No, today is May the 4th. National Star Wars Day.

So no, I didn't let it pass. Your ignorance of the ways of my people is simply intolerable. In this day and age, you should know better than to assume that this days is just another day. No, this day is the day in which I and many other fans of Star Wars celebrate the fact that your lives have never been the same since the writings of our sacred text first appeared in the stars: "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away."

Star Wars and the True Gospel

Last year's surprise news that Disney bought Star Wars sent nerds to the internet in droves. Some loved the idea of new Star Wars movies, others denounced the move as a naked cash grab, and many more argued about whether Disney would even do the franchise justice. Those arguments haven't died down (nor will they ever, welcome to the internet) and they will only intensify when the movies actually premiere. So why all the fuss? After all, they're just movies.

Calm down, internet, I was being rhetorical.

Star Wars is more than just a series of movies. It is a cultural force that shaped the last few generations. Even if you've never seen the films, you've no doubt seen their impact. Star Wars is everywhere, influencing modern directors and filmmakers, scientists, and even politicians. Don't think churches haven't been influenced either, as countless pastors have used the saga's themes of good versus evil, sacrifice, and redemption in sermons.

There's Never A Final Showdown

The evil Empire has a space station that can destroy planets. The Joker is about to poison Gotham City's water supply. The Dark Lord's armies are about to crush the Muggles. Things are bad, and all seems lost for our heroes. But just as the darkness is about to close in, a hero will rise and face down this evil. The hero and villain have a final showdown, and in the end, everyone is saved.

It's the same story since Beowulf. A great evil plagues the land and we need a hero to stop it. That's the appeal of the Hero's Quest, from Star Wars, Batman, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, quite a few fairy tales, and every other epic adventure. We love it for several reasons, not the least of which is we identify with the hero, imagining ourselves as the most important person in the realm, if not the galaxy, because we're the ones who vanquish evil forever. All it takes is a few good moves with a sword, wand, or light saber, and the day is saved.

That's the other draw. How does the fairy tale end? "And they lived happily ever after." In these tales, all the troubles in the land are caused by this one supreme evil. When that dastardly villain is beaten, all is right with the world and there is peace and prosperity throughout the land. I can definitely see the appeal of these stories.

Movie Third Acts That Worked

It is with scared trepidation that I await The Dark Knight Rises. It's the third movie in a thus-far fantastic franchise. The first, Batman Begins, was a mind-blowing reboot of the Batman story.  The Dark Knight was that rare sequel that was even better than the original. Naturally, we should have nothing to worry about with this third and final movie. Right?

I know you know the answer to that question. We've been down this road twice before with both the Spider-Man and X-men movie series. The first was good, the second even better, the third ruined the franchise so badly that both have since been rebooted. (And those reboots are so far pretty good.)

Even the earlier Batman movies were not immune to this phenomenon, though that time it took four films to take down Batman before Nolan had to reboot it. The question that hangs over the Caped Crusader's cowl like the Sword of Damocles is this: will history repeat itself, or will The Dark Knight Rises be one of those rare third acts that are actually good? We'll all see soon enough.

The good news is that there are some third acts that did manage to work. Sometimes they were just as good as the rest of the series, and on rare occasions they were the best ones of all. Because I prefer hope to despair, optimism to pessimism, I want to talk about the movies that worked. (And if we can all just toss the ones that didn't down the memory hole, that would be great.)

This Open Letter to George Lucas

Dear George Lucas,

I know you've spent the past thirteen years at the receiving end of one of the most epic fits of nerd rage ever seen. I doubt we will see its like again. In fact, we haven't even seen the end of this one, nor will we for some time. I predict new generations of nerds and geeks will likely be more than happy to join the fray. We're talking multi-generational nerd rage, passed down from geek father to geek son. It'll be like the Hatfields and McCoys, where all the original participants are dead but the feud continues unabated.

Just think, a hundred years from now, Star Wars geeks who haven't even been born yet will spend hours on the future's version of internet message boards still raging about the Prequels. Despite the fact that they weren't there back in 1999, they will still feel the fiery hate of their ancestors who first came to know and loathe the name Jar Jar Binks.

How I Met Your Mother: "Trilogy Time"

Quick Review: Past, present, and future collide in this amazing episode. 

Episode Synopsis: Speculations run wild as Ted, Barney and Marshall imagine what their lives will be like three years down the road. Star Wars is also involved. -tvguide

Spoilers ahead, so watch the episode before you proceed. And while you're at it, you should watch the original Star Wars trilogy if you've never seen it. Because really, you should watch it. Right now. This review isn't going anywhere. It'll still be here, and you'll come back and be all like, "Dude, thanks for telling me to go watch that Star Wars trilogy, it was awesome. And I'll be like, "I told you it was great." And you'll be like, "I know. I just watched it." So, what was I talking about again? Oh, yeah. This episode. It has something to do with Star Wars, so you should definitely watch Star Wars, then watch the episode, and then come back. Sound like a plan? Good. 

Horribly Offended

Geeks come in all shapes and sizes. We aren't all located in our mother's basements. (Some of our mothers never had a basement.) Many of us are capable of romantic relationships and are doing quite well, thank you very much. However, if there's one almost universal trait that I've noticed, it's that we're easy to upset and offend.

Now, I'm not talking about the usual ribbing we get for being geeks. We're used to that, and for many of us that's just background noise. No, we get upset and offended by our own kind, by the very things we love. I can guarantee that as soon as we walk out of the theater after watching either The Avengers or The Dark Knight Rises, we'll take to the internet, proclaiming all that's wrong with both movies.

Begun, the Christmas Wars Have

I've discovered two other inevitabilities besides death and taxes. Mention Star Wars, and someone will talk about how George Lucas ruined the series with the prequels. Mention Christmas to politicians and they'll go on about this "War on Christmas."

Given that is it Christmastime, the War on Christmas rhetoric is going strong, doubly so because people are running for President. Believe it or not, this reminds me of the one thing Lucas got right in the prequels.

While the answer to how Anakin became Darth Vader was mostly annoying, I was far more intrigued by how a once free Republic became the evil Galactic Empire. If you've never seen the prequels, I'll sum them up so none of you have to put up with a certain Gungan who will remain nameless. A massive droid army began blowing everything up, and only with the help of an army of clones was the Republic able to stop it, thus starting the Clone Wars. In order to maintain stability throughout the crisis, Chancellor Palpatine was elevated to the position of Emperor.

Geeky Divisions in the Christian Church

You'd think that geeks are a monolithic entity (insert 2001 joke here), but we're not. Just because we're geeks doesn't mean we all think the same, believe the same, or even all get along. The same holds true for Christians. True, we all believe that Jesus was the Son of God, but after that we start to faction, and we've been doing so since day 41.

Perhaps the biggest split in the Christian church is between Protestants and Catholics. For geeks, it's Star Trek versus Star Wars. Each side has its share of atrocities (Jar Jar Binks and Star Trek: Voyager) but each side has done good in the world as well. (Empire Strikes Back and Wrath of Khan) The divisions between fan-bases can be stiff, with each side declaring that their science fiction geeky passion is the one true geek pathway.

Seriously. Go online and find a Star Trek versus Star Wars argument in any online forum, and it's like they're arguing about religion.