This Open Letter to the Clerk I Berated

Dear Clerk I Berated,

I get that you were just doing your job when you said have a nice day. You didn't realize that you were actually oppressing me. But that's what you were doing. By refusing to validate my sacred holiday, you metaphorically slapped me in the face. And I won't stand for that. Today is not just a "Good Day" or a "Happy Holiday." No, today is May the 4th. National Star Wars Day.

So no, I didn't let it pass. Your ignorance of the ways of my people is simply intolerable. In this day and age, you should know better than to assume that this days is just another day. No, this day is the day in which I and many other fans of Star Wars celebrate the fact that your lives have never been the same since the writings of our sacred text first appeared in the stars: "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away."

This Open Letter to People who say "Happy Holidays"

Dear People who say "Happy Holidays,"

There are three phrases that history will never forget and never forgive: "Crucify Him," "I was just following orders," and "Happy Holidays." I just want to put what you're doing in the proper perspective, because right now you seem blithely unaware of your crimes against humanity. When you wish me a "Happy Holidays," are you completely unaware the depth of your depravity? Don't you understand that every time you utter those foul, disgusting words, your soul shrivels up and Lucifer dances a jig? Can't you see the Divine Judgement headed your way?

I'm telling you this, as a friend, that you need to stop this reprehensible behavior immediately. One of these days, it will be legal to hunt people like you for sport. After all, running you down like an animal is the only solution I see to preserving the true meaning of Christmas. Your bloody carcass will serve as a clear reminder that Christmas is about God's love for all humankind. Except for people like you.