Sequels I Pretend Don't Exist

I like sequels. When done right (Spiderman 2) they can expand upon the universe, explore the characters in greater depth than the original allowed, and resolve dangling plot threads from the previous film. When not done well, and sadly this is often the case, they not only are a terrible movie, they retroactively ruin the previous film. (On the plus side, they do allow a lot of actors to pay back what I assume are massive gambling debts.)

Thus, to preserve my sanity and continued enjoyment of the first installment(s), there are sequels I just pretend don't exist. As far as I'm concerned, these movies were never green-lighted, scripted, cast, financed, catered, filmed, produced, and released. They didn't happen, and a pox on anyone who tries to shatter my precious illusion. (And yes, I am aware of the irony that writing about movies I pretend don't exist violates my own rule. I'm sure we can move past it.)

Why do they tolerate Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory?

This is why you use spray-paint to scrawl your death threats - fewer drips

With the fifth season of The Big Bang Theory starting up next week, I felt it would be a good idea to tackle one of the biggest burning questions of the series. If you watch the show regularly, then congratulations, you're a big nerd. You also may wonder why Sheldon Cooper's friends tolerate him. Particularly Leonard, Howard, Raj, and Penny. Sheldon forces them to abide by strict rules, assigns them strikes if they break said rules, and otherwise makes their lives miserable on a daily basis.

You'd think that five minutes with that lunatic would have them either heading for the hills or getting their stories straight when Sheldon goes on "vacation." (You have two scientists and an engineer - disposing of a body wouldn't be that difficult.) But instead, Sheldon is an integral part of the group. So much so that the three of them regularly give in to Sheldon's often insane demands, adhere to his dictatorial roommate agreement, and tolerate his outright abusive behavior. Sheldon is a tyrant who rules with an iron fist inside a toy Incredible Hulk hand.

Mussolini used to wear Batman underoos.

While some may see this as one of the worlds biggest plot-holes (right up there with why they couldn't just fly The One Ring to Mordor?) I believe that it makes sense. Below are eight good reasons why they tolerate Sheldon, and one very bad reason.

Eight Good Portrayals of Christians in Mainstream Media

I can name this Christian in one cross

Most of the time, when Christians get portrayed in mainstream television and movies, we aren’t exactly shining beacons of great character. We’re portrayed as ignorant, intolerant, backwards, or just simply the villains. Before you think this is a rant about the “Liberal Media” that’s hostile to Christians, I should point out that when we Christians are left to our own devices, our output isn’t always stellar, either. (Yes Kirk Cameron, I’m talking about you.)

The good news is that there are examples of Christians who are portrayed well. Believe it or not, Hollywood (or in one case the BBC) got it right when it came to portraying what it really means to live a life of faith. These characters aren’t perfect, they have their own flaws and failings, but what they all have in common is a deep abiding faith that guides them and motivates them to help others. They embody the core tenets of the faith, and their imperfections are not that different from our own. After all, perfect characters of any stripe aren’t that interesting, and Christians are no different.

Seven Parody Movies that can Stand on their Own

The parody film genre has one fatal flaw - you can't feed it after midnight. Did you get the reference? Good, then you're either a film connoisseur, a child of the 80's, or handy with Google. Otherwise, you're scratching your head wondering what "feed after midnight" has to do with anything. This is a parody film's fatal flaw - you have to understand the references to appreciate the jokes.

Which means that for a lot of films, enjoying them involves hours and hours of prep-work watching and enjoying other movies and possibly television shows. (And for some of the films that get lampooned, enjoying isn't exactly the right word for it.) Having to do homework before watching a movie makes it seem like English class all over again, where the reward for reading the book was to watch a poorly produced movie of the book made before any of us were born. (I'm looking at YOU Great Gatsby)

However, not all parody films are like that. The best are those that transcend being a parody and become an even better version of what it spoofs. It's a film you can appreciate on its own merits, and you may not even realize that you are dealing with a parody. The seven movies I'm talking about today are examples of parodies that stand on their own.

Big Reveals and Damage to our Jaws

not you

The best part about a long-running series is the Big Reveal, a turn that is so shocking, so game changing, people will slap you across the face if you spoil it for them. Just a scant few centuries ago, dropping an un-alerted spoiler was grounds for a duel. Little known fact: the famous Hamilton-Burr duel began when Alexander Hamilton gave away the ending of Catherine Cuthbertson's novel The Romance of the Pyrenees before Aaron Burr got a chance to finish it. (Spoiler alert, I may have made that last bit up.)

Sometimes, though, the Big Reveal does not cause our jaws to succumb to gravity. In fact, gravity itself is so annoyed by the plot development that it ceases to function around our jaw area, causing it, in fact, to rise. If you ever found yourself involuntarily grinding your teeth after finding out, I don't know, that as a boy Darth Vader built C-3PO, that's gravity expressing its disdain. (Seriously, don't annoy gravity. I don't think it likes us.)

The Heart of Futurama

There you are, minding your own business, watching a show about a nitwit from the Twentieth-Century stuck in the future. He's got a beer-guzzling robot as his best friend and a crush on a cyclops. This show created by Matt Groening, who also gave us The Simpsons, is a clever, satirical send up of the present vis-a-vis the future. It's a typical fun episode, you're having a laugh, and faster than Elzar can misfire a spice weasel into your eye, the show takes an emotional turn. It floors you, you weren't expecting it, and chances are, eight to ten years later, you're still talking about it. Well, I am, but I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Find a group of Futurama fans, get them talking about favorite episodes, particularly the ones from the hallowed 1999-2003 years, and four inevitably come up. These are the four episodes that go right for that four-chambered organ you're slowly destroying with your diet. (In your defense, putting cheese and bacon on everything really is awesome.) Three of the episodes warm your heart, and when you're having a day in which Kill All Humans seems like a good action plan, these episodes will quickly change your attitude to I Must Hug a Human Right Now!

The fourth? This one stabs your heart, steals its wallet, and leaves it in a gutter to die. And yes, you know the episode I'm talking about, but we'll get to that shortly.

8 Great 80's Movies

As a child of the 80's, I had many people in my life trying to expand my horizons, particularly regarding the merits of media from the 1950's. Sometimes it was the music (referred to as "real music") or the television shows (thank you Nick at Night) but, most of the time my elders wanted me to watch the great movies of the 1950's. To me, all these things were in the stone age. We're talking 3 decades and 6 presidents ago. That's forever for a child. It didn't help matters that when I watched Back to the Future, I was amazed at the primitive world of the 1950's and wondered how anyone could live in that decade. Why on earth would I want to watch a movie made in the 50's?

I was ignorant, and thankfully I was relieved of said ignorance about that decade and have now grown to appreciate those influences: the television, music, and of course the movies. Well, now many of my fellow children of the 80's have children of their own, children who hold a similarly ignorant view of the time period three decades prior, with the strange music, odd television shows, and of course, movies that they readily dismiss. They, too, need to have their ignorance eliminated so they can fully appreciate the contribution that this decade's movies made to our culture.

Today I will profile 8 essential movies of the 80's. It is imperative that this current generation see these movies. If I happen to converse with your child one day, and they don't get a single reference from Airplane, Ghostbusters, or Back to the Future, then I'm blaming you. Because that's just bad parenting.

Pixar, Savior of Humanity

Many of us know what to do about the inevitable zombie uprisings, as we have made our plans to handle any type of undead apocalypse. Sadly, however, we don't devote as much thought to identifying and combating the replicants, soulless clones infiltrating humanity in order to learn our weaknesses in preparation for the inevitable invasion. How will we know who is human and who is the flawless replicant?

Fortunately for us, Pixar has been helping humanity fight this scourge for many years.

Why do you think their films are so sad? Is it that, like the scream of Monsters Inc., they need our tears to power their company? A good guess, but no; Pixar is, in fact, one of the last and greatest lines of defense against the replicant threat. After all, a replicant might be able to pass a generic medical screening, even so far as having DNA indistinguishable from ours. However, with the power of Pixar, we can now easily screen for who is a replicant intent on worldwide domination. Because only a replicant could watch the following Pixar scenes and be unmoved.

For your convenience, I have found the top seven Pixar moments guaranteed to help you identify whether the person you've known all your life is an actual human or a replicant. I've described each scene and assigned it a Replicant Detection Success Rate (RDSR) so you can know the potency of each scene. What you do once you discover the truth is up to you, but no matter what, you'll be certain whether the people in your life are actually people.

Oh, and SPOILER ALERT!