This Guide to Tipping

People ask me all the time when they should leave a tip. My first response is, of course, is "Who are you?" and "Why won't you leave me alone?" and "Why are you dressed like a bumblebee?" Once we get past the awkwardness of why total strangers are accosting me, we get into the time-honored tipping dilemma. When should I tip, and how much?

I can understand why this is a frustrating topic. It seems that everyone is expecting a tip these days, not just waitstaff, bellhops, and hit-men. Tip jars are everywhere these days, and it's hard to keep track of whom to tip and how much. (It's even harder than trying to remember whether to use who or whom in a sentence.)

With so much confusion, it is my public service to give you my own personal guide to not only who should be tipped, but how much.